dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The internet is magic sometimes.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
A short story of betrayal:
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*