Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
🙂🐾
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.