Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.