a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
can’t bark with your mouth full
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn