I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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Sounds like a bargain
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
i hope my email finds you on fire
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.