If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?