People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.