me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Expect the unexporcupine.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”