I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing