Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.