I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it