Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
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I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm