[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
2022: I can fix it
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
⛄️
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police