this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.