I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Gemma Correll
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Found the job I’m suited for
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.