Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.