“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
You Might Also Like
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
This meal prepping shit is easy
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Good morning, Twitter x
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?