Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide