Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
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them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Sign of the day..
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.