If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Always the camel, never the toe.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!