“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
He’s cranky this morning
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Do not levitate over flowers