The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
They must have gotten it to go.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR