Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.