I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Worth a try
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*