The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”