Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
At least try to make it slightly believable
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
But is it really??