Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I am patiently waiting for your email
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions