Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.