Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Dear Lord..
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.