Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
You Might Also Like
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.