Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
You Might Also Like
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Cat.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it