If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“I wouldn’t.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang