Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?