Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”