My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
☠️☠️☠️
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested