For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
You Might Also Like
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Not helping
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Google Pay be like:
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME