Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train