Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Ironic
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.