Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!