Feel. He’s so soft.
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
#math
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.