Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
lumberjacks will cut a birch
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer