Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
You Might Also Like
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?