Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.