I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Baller is short for ballerina
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait