Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
the three genders
Cndnsd Mlk
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo