friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Acronyms got me like WTF?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The glory of fall.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together