Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I finally found a reason to live again.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
This is what makes twitter great
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]