I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
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Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
🚲+physics = winner
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Selfie
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly