Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.