My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
This headline is a thing of beauty
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock